How to raise your self belief

Let me share a quick story with you on how to raise your self belief because once upon a time, I met a man who changed my life.

Now before you think that this is some kind of fairy tale of boy meets girl and boy rescues girl, it’s not. I can’t remember his name. We met for about 15 minutes and it was 13 years ago.

We were on a retreat in Scotland and we got chatting purely because we’ve both been to Peru and we’re sharing our experiences. But as our conversation kind of came to a close, he asked me something I’ve never been asked before and never been asked since and it’s something that really did change my life because he looked deep into my eyes and very genuinely and authentically asked me, “How much do you believe in yourself?”

I kind of did that sort of stammering, sort of, “What’s the right answer? What are you meant to say in this kind of situations?” and just said, “Well I don’t know. As much as everybody,” and he just looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Believe in yourself. Your life depends on it.”

He actually repeated it a number of times in order for those eight words to really sink in and believe me, they did because even 13 years later, every time I write those words or hear those words, they really resonate within me and I can feel the depth of the wisdom within them even though I’m sure I still don’t understand it to its full degree.

What I do know is that that was a turning point in my life and I believe this could be a turning point in yours if you choose it to be. When I ask you that question, “How much do you believe in yourself?” How do you respond? What’s the response that kicks off internally? How much do you believe in yourself? Are there some caveats there? Well, it depends on what has happened that day or what the weather is like or is there an immediate, ‘oh not at all’. Not at all. Were you stammering around looking for an answer?

How to raise your self belief Exercise:

Either way, however you feel about your self-belief, here are three simple steps for you to be able to start to grow it, understand it and believe in yourself even more.

The first point, number one is notice. Einstein said the first point of change is to notice. In other words you need to become aware of what’s going on in order to be able to do something about it.

So the first thing in order to believe your confidence is you need to see when you are not believing in your confidence and I mean really see it, genuinely really see what’s happening.

So how is it showing up with you? Without any judgment, just notice it. How do you feel when that’s going on? Then ask yourself, “What kind of thoughts must I be indulging in, in order to feel this way?” Then you can move on to step two.

Step two is about then exploring and asking yourself from a very kind, loving place. Well, OK. Now you know how you do feel with the thoughts that you have been happening, having even. How do you want to feel? What kind of thoughts would you need to engage in, in order to be able to feel differently? In other words, in order to be able to believe in yourself.

So for example if you’re really doubting and questioning yourself, the thoughts might be around, “Well, I’m going to get it wrong. I’m going to look like an idiot.” OK. Well how do you want to feel? I want to feel confident and have belief in myself. Well what if those thoughts were, “You know what? I can do this. Let me have a go and see what happens. I can handle it. I’ve always been able to handle it.”

There’s a difference between the two and when you engage in one more than the other, then you’re going to give that strength in order for it to grow.

Then the final thing to think about and look at is about patience. There really is magic in patience and there’s a reason why The Confidence Garden is called the confidence garden and that’s because it’s a place where you grow and when you grow anything, even grass which grows extremely fast, it still needs to be nurtured. It still needs that time for it to develop and it still needs to have that situation to be correct for it to happen.

So you need patience. None of this is going to happen overnight. What you can do is work on it. So first of all, notice what’s happening. Where are you doubting yourself? What’s going on? How does that feel for you? What kind of thoughts are you engaging in?

Second thing is then to start exploring what would be the opposite basically. How do you want to feel? What kind of thoughts would you need to engage in, in order to be able to feel differently?

Thirdly, remember that there’s magic in patience. The more that you recognize that, then the effort that you put in on a daily basis will then be rewarded over the long term.

I look forward to speaking to you again. My name is Jules Wyman. I’m the founder of The Confidence Garden and in the meantime before I do speak to you again, believe in yourself. Your life depends on it.

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How to deal with negative self talk

You know, that voice in your head. Come on, I know it’s not just me that has it! You’d be amazed at just how many people want to deny that their negative self talk is even there though.

I often ask people at live events to raise their hands if they have a voice in their heads, and the audience will fall in to one of these categories;

• ‘Hell yeah’ – Hand is in the air before I finish the question
• ‘Let me just check’ – Hand goes in the air but they want to check that it won’t be just them
• ‘What you talking about woman?!’ – I’m not admitting that in public

Let’s face it we all have that voice in our head, in fact we have more than one. Which one do you listen to the most?

It’s one of the most commonly asked questions ‘How do I deal with that negative voice?’ Most people want to switch it off, so how exactly can you go about this?

There are many methodologies and theories that can help with this and I as I am not sure where you are and what you have used so far, I am actually only going to focus on one. There is method in this. If I list out all the possibilities and options it could well confuse, so much so that you end up doing nothing. How’s that going to change anything?? Where as when you have one thing to focus on it will bring it into focus, and give your brain one thing to think about, practice and apply.

It’s also for me the first place that I started with when growing my own confidence and stepping in a new direction. (If you have not seen the videos detailing this story then you can sign up for free on here)

My negative self talk was constant, to be honest it still is. The difference now though is that I listen to it less and look for other possibilities.

Negative Self Talk Exercise:

If it’s safe to do so lift both of your arms out to the side as if making the sign of the cross. Now look at one of your hands, either is right. Whilst you are looking at that hand, is it possible for you to see your other hand, my guess would be no, and yet your hand is still there. Yet while you focus even more attention in on that first hand, you can end up forgetting that the other hand is there. I could also get to the point of thinking that this is the only hand that you have. Now this might sound strange but it is in actuality how the brain works. When you are focusing in on one thing, giving it your full attention everything else can feel like it disappears.

Now imagine that hand you are giving your full attention to is that negative voice. You want to ignore it, change it, get rid of it and yet all your attention/energy is going towards it and has been for years. So instead of expecting yourself to be able switch that off immediately and only hear the ‘positive’ stuff, you need to realise that it will take some conscious choosing on your part.

Whenever you notice how you feel and realise that you feel this way because of how you are speaking internally, ask yourself these questions

‘Is this how I want to feel?’
If the answer is yes, great carry on. If your answer is no ask the next question.
‘How do I want to feel?’
Be specific rather than ‘better’. For example, I want to feel happy, excited about life or calm.

Now you have decided on how you want to feel ask this…
“What do you need to focus on in order to feel this?’
Write a list. Challenge yourself to come up with around 20 focal points.

Then make it a point to focus on one. Give it your full energy, full attention, each and every time you notice that negative voice appear. It’s all about retraining your brain and mind to help you and yes that does take effort!

There is no switch.

It’s about making a choice where to focus.

A real world example of this for me is in my writing. I was once told by a teacher that I wasn’t any good at writing, in fact he told me the only thing I would be any good for was working in a bar. I took his words and gave them plenty of attention both consciously and unconsciously. For years, I would struggle with writing for work, avoid it where possible and even ‘forget’ that I had to do it. Which led to all sorts of issues and problems at work. Then one day I asked myself, is this how I want to feel about writing’ the answer was NO! So how did I want to feel?’ excited and open to learn. So I said to myself, ‘OK, what do you need to focus on to feel excited and open?’ Now at first I didn’t know, as I was looking in a new place which at first glance seemed empty. But the longer I gave it my attention, longer I asked the question and gave my attention elsewhere, I began to find answers. Does that mean that I am the biggest and best and a perfect writer…does it heck! But I at least enjoy it now and am still open to learning.

‘What do you need to give your attention to in order to feel how you want to?’

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How to gain confidence in yourself.

Search for self confidence hits all time high

Hundreds of thousands searches are happening everyday for confidence and I am not just talking about Google. ;-)

When you feel that your self confidence is low it is easy to get caught up in a downward spiral which can then be a challenge to get out of. So I have created a short video – less than 5 minutes with 3 simple steps to help you gain confidence in yourself no matter what is going on around you.

So sit back click here How to gain confidence in yourself and have your notebook ready to jot down three simple ways to take your self confidence to the next level!

Wishing you a confidence 2012

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Build confidence & Beat Inferiority

Comparing damages your confidence

It’s not very often that I will read the newspapers and especially not the Daily Mail but I was sent the link to this article and agree with much of what is being said.

It took me years to realise that by comparing myself to someone else, anyone else I was doing myself a disservice and damaging my self confidence. This easy an easy habit to change as it tends to be embedded from an early age and can be perpetuated by parents – ‘my child has done ‘x”, in school ‘Tim can manage 10 out of 10 so can you.’ by friends, family, members, it is constantly in our media too. So it’s not an easy one to walk away from.

BUT…to help you make that change step away from comparing you first have to see it. Hear just how often you do compare yourself to someone else, it will be more than you first expected.

Just realise that you are doing it and remind yourself – gently, that this is one of the processes that it damaging your self confidence and self esteem.

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How to ‘boost’ your confidence

How to BOOST your confidence…

and then gain confidence fuel!

Have you ever had one of those days when life looks rosy? You feel that you can achieve all that you want to and all you can hear is yourself saying ‘yes I can do that or at least I will give it a go!’ And yet the very next day (or even the next moment) you feel the opposite! Life’s hard, you doubt yourself and your abilities and self confidence has left the building!

I know this feeling only too well myself and spent much of my life experiencing this frustrating fluctuation in self belief and confidence.

Here are my top three tips for you to begin to understand how you can boost your confidence in any moment. Before I share them with you, I need to give a brief understanding that no-one gives or takes confidence away from you. I appreciate that it can feel like that, but it is not what the person has said that ‘makes you feel confident’ it is how you are reacting inside to those words. The reason I say this is that I want you to realise that you are the one with your finger on the ‘boost control’ not someone else. If you are waiting for someone else to ‘give you confidence’ then there will also be a part of you that is waiting for someone to ‘take it away’! It is your reaction to the words or actions that someone says/does that creates the feeling of confidence and so when feeling not so confidence you can use these tips, put your finger on the boost button and look for ways to feel confident no matter what someone else has said or done (or not as the case may be).

Forward Focus

If you have ever thrown a ball then you will have learnt or been taught that for the ball to reach its destination you have to point your arm in the direction you want the ball to go. Your mind and your feelings are the same.

If you want to feel more confident then you have to focus your mind in that direction and look for it in yourself. If you are feeling that you lack confidence, what are you focused on? I imagine it will be on what you haven’t done well, what you haven’t got, not achieved, didn’t get to do etc. Notice what happens if you choose to change your focus.

Take 15 minutes or so and make a list of all that you have achieved in life. Starting from when you were born, write at least 5 things for each decade that you have been alive. E.g. I learnt to walk, I can talk, feed myself, I can swim, I can ride a bike, I passed test, I got a part time job… the list goes on

The more you focus on what you have achieved, what you can do and what you have the more your mind will look for on a daily basis so that when you have those moments of not feeling so great, your list is there as a reminder to re focus and move forward!

Upwards and Onwards

I am sure you will have noticed those times when you don’t feel great about yourself that it is easy to pull the duvet over or switch on the TV and basically not do very much. Ask yourself now, just how is that working for you? I suspect it feeds that feeling of not feeling great.

If you want to feel great get up and move! Dance, walk, swim, run, even doing the house work with your favourite music on can help shake your mood. The more you move your body the more you can help boost yourself. It isn’t about getting up and going for a ten mile jog. Just get up and walk around the block with a bit of pace helps shift your mood and boost how you feel.

Being kind

Many of us that want to boost our confidence spend a great deal of time putting ourselves down. I ask again, how does this help to you feel great about yourself?

Any adult that has watched a child learn to walk knows that they have to fall over at times to learn about balance, to gain stability and gain the courage to take the next steps. If you are the adult watching them do this you will I suspect be encouraging them, supporting them and helping them back up each time they fall. What would you life look like and how would your confidence feel if you tool the same attitude to yourself? Each time you ‘fell’ you encouraged yourself to get up and have another go?

‘Be kind to yourself’. It’s an easy thing to say not so easy to do I know and like the other tips take patience and practice and yet when you do, then you really do get to boost your own confidence, which is what you want to do after all, is it not?

Remember, believe in yourself your life depends on it!

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Do you want to grow your self confidence?

“None can stop you from growing and learning if you seriously intend to. And none could help you progress if you don’t want to.” If you want to make changes in your life to be able to feel differently then you are the one that has to commit to that. As great at the information and teacher may be, if you are not committed to yourself and your progress, then it will not happen.  You are the one that has to be open to learning what you need to.  You are the one that has to be open to hearing what will help you.  It’s up to you to till the soil, plants the seeds, nuture them and of course where needs to spot the weeds and when you are ready pull them out!

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Body Confidence 1

Five Small Words

When I was about 13 years old my Nan came to stay for the weekend. She still enjoyed her tea served in a cup and saucer ‘it didn’t taste the same in a mug’

I was charged with carefully carrying the cup and saucer through to her as she sat perched on the dining room chair watching the wrestling, her favourite.

I received a big toothless grin as she took her cup. I loved my Nan; she was funny, sang songs and loved playing games, my kinda gal. She was also a very strong headed lady who spoke her mind and as I walked away from the tea delivery, instead of receiving a thanks her immortal words ‘Haven’t you got big thighs?!’ rang out across the room.

I was crushed.

Any self confidence I did have for my body I allowed to be crushed in that moment with those words. And for over 20 years those words echoed in my ears. They prevented me from happily swimming with the children, sunbathing freely on holidays and made shopping for clothes an utter nightmare. Five simple small words stopped me from enjoying myself and seeing me as I really am. (Of course I’m only talking about me here no-one else has ever felt or experienced anything like this…have they??)

A while back though I decided enough was enough, I had to erase these words for good. I wanted to strut my stuff.

My first step was ACCEPTANCE. Until this point I had been beating myself up, expecting to have Kylie Minogue’s small bum and Julia Robert’s long legs. As beautiful as both are that is just not my body shape. Once I had fully accepted this…my body….me, I began to like what I do have rather than mourn what I didn’t.

This enabled me to take step two. I had now accepted that I had my own shape, I just needed to find out what suited me. Fashion isn’t about fitting the cat walk waif styles; it’s about the discovery of what flatters your body. And every-body is different, take the time to find out what really suits you and you will feel so much better.

And finally I changed my views on the body beautiful. Having a slimmer body is more about my health and vitality now than being a size 0. I want to live for a long time and to do that I have to eat well and look after myself. I now have more energy and body confidence than ever and you can too!!!

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Grow Self Confidence

Self Confidence through Starting Over

AnnStartingOver1

My friend Ann Sheybani has started over many times in her lifetime and has a desire to collect and share stories of other women who have done the same. She has interviewed many of these women and is now sharing them with the world.

Head over to her website http://www.annsheybani.com/ and sigh up to receive her interviews once a month. The first one started this week and features yours truly!

Here’s a little peak at what you’ll hear:

Confidence Coach Jules Wyman wasn’t always confident.  In fact, the woman recently dubbed as Britain’s Next Top Coach once hid her insecurities behind booze, drugs, and junk food.  “I reached out for all of them to do the same thing, which was to cover up the pain.”

At the lowest point in her life, addicted to alcohol, entrenched in an abusive relationship, unclear as to which direction she wanted her life to go she realized that something had to give.  “I didn’t really have one thunderbolt moment.  I refer to it as having lots of little storms. Sometimes I didn’t realize I’d had the storm until I’d gone through them and come out the other side.”

Learn how she turned her life around.  Through her fabulous use of story, Jules explains:

Why curiosity is the antidote to blame and self-pity

  • How to chunk things down and take one step at a time
  • Why there are no mistakes
  • How to discover hidden passions
  • The secret to conquering fear
  • The unfortunate flip side to achieving
  • What a bad Meg Ryan film can teach you

We also talked about The Celestine Prophecy and the film Educating Rita and what they taught her about herself. ” To me it was like little life lines that were being thrown to me that kept me going in a certain direction, which was away from where I could have gone.”

Jules Wyman is the founder of Positive Belief, an inspirational speaker and coach, and director of The Confidence Garden.  She says, “If the grass looks greener over there, maybe it’s because they take better care.”  She is also a wife, stepmother, and Zumba fanatic.

Enjoy x

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From de Blog

Body Confidence 1


Five Small Words When I was about 13 years old my Nan came to stay for the weekend. She still enjoyed her tea served in a cup and saucer ‘it didn’t taste the same in a mug’ I was charged … Continue reading →

Build confidence & Beat Inferiority


Comparing damages your confidence It’s not very often that I will read the newspapers and especially not the Daily Mail but I was sent the link to this article and agree with much of what is being said. It took … Continue reading →