It is a deep question and one which has many books, dvds, courses extra based around. Each time I explore something to do with this topic I experience another layer of understanding being revealed.

First thing to understand about emotions is that they are coming from your thoughts, so rather than look for security from your emotions begin to understand the insecure thoughts you are having. Whenever I have felt insecure emotionally I can guarantee it is because I am running a thought over and over again, or derivations of the same thought.

How’s that working for you?

How does that help?

How is it helping you? Really?

My guess is that it is not, well not helping you feel secure anyway which is how you want to feel is it not?

So, take some time when you next notice the sensation of emotional insecurity. Sit with what you are experiencing  knowing that it is not right nor wrong, (and just so that you know you are not alone 1,000′s of people have similar experiences, in fact millions!) So whilst you are experiencing the sensation of emotional insecurity, start to really listen to the thoughts whizzing around in your head, what are they saying?

“I’m not good enough?” “I can’t do this!” “I’m stupid.” I could go on.

Now I know that you have an imagination, we all do, most of the time we aren’t using it to it’s best capacity though, now you can. When you can hear some of the thoughts whizzing through your head, select one or two (no more) and just ask yourself…

“I know that I currently believe this thought but what if there was an opposite?What would that be and what would it be like to think that thought instead? What sort of sensation could it bring up for me even if only for a short while?”

Told you you’d have to use your imagination Once you have gone through this just note what happens and then take 10 slow deep breathes. Make sure that you do this to the deepest and most comfortable level possible. Your shoulders relaxed, rib cage and belly expanding as you breathe in and relaxing as you breathe out.

Think of your imagination like a muscle that hasn’t been exercised for a while. Like your legs, you may walk a little everyday, going from that to running a marathon is a big step so you have to exercise and stretch the muscle for them all to grow. What would happen if you did this with your imagination? Took control of where it stretched too and looked for ways to stretch it in a more helpful direction. What could happen?

The second thing to look at is insecurity itself. Again a HUGE topic, but what are we looking for really when we talk about wanting/needing security? What does that specifically mean for you?

I know that from my own personal journey that the more I look into it actually the less ‘security’ there actually seems to be in life. We have no security/certainty with regards how long we will live, our health, who we will meet, our work, children, friends. Actually the list just seems to go on. Now for me for a long time this seemed scary, but if I have no control over it actually what’s the point in worrying?

This is such an easy thing to say and yet not easy to live by I know. For example, you may want to give up your job and start a new venture but what about the security of money. Or you may wish to change relationship, health regime, take a new course. The challenge for us as humans is that our mind loves, craves certainty, comfort, security (all the same thing really) and yet with every person I have met I have been told stories about great life experiences that have lead to much bigger opportunities than they could ever have dreamed, and they have all come from, yep you guessed it, stepping away from security and embracing the insecure and uncertainty of life.

The way that I deal with this is putting on my pragmatic hat. When insecurity rears it’s head, I ask myself “What can I do?” and list out, usually in written form exactly that the things that I CAN do. Then I look at how and when I can logistically do those things and start to do them. If there are things on the list that I can’t do then I have to practice the art of letting them go. I can’t do them!

e.g

* I want to leave my job and start a new venture – pragmatically what can you do in order to achieve this?  Save money, get advise, re train etc

*I want to change my health regime – pragmatically what can you do to support this? walk to work, buy more veg, attend a cookery course etc

This is another one of those processes that takes time to embed and learn, until it becomes a habit.

So in a nutshell, when you have emotional insecurities pop up…

1. Ask your imagination to look for the opposite of the thought that is fuelling the emotion – just look for it and notice it.

2. Look for what YOU CAN do and let everything else go. If you can’t do anything about it, breathe and do something else!

Emotional insecurity can become a habit for many in all sorts of ways even though we may not like it. So use these simple steps to discover something new and notice what happens.

Remember…believe in yourself, your life depends on it.

15 Things to give up in order to feel happy!

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Need Help with Life

Have you ever noticed how much a story when shared can shed amazing amounts of light on where you are right now?

That’s one of the reasons I love collecting stories and love sharing them too. Here’s one that I shot last Spring in my magical home city of York, UK.

When I first heard this story it really helped me change my perspective on what I can achieve in my life as at times it can seem too much, and after all I am one person. But when I heard this I realised that the reason I felt so overwhelmed was because I was focused on achieving it all…right now!

Grab yourself a story for today and share with friends too, as I think we all need a reminder at times and help with life!

Remember believe in yourself, your life depends on it!

It reminded me of the story a few years ago from Death Valley, California, a place that receives around 2inches of rain fall a year had a downpour which many disliked and moaned about. But this ‘freakish’ weather unlocked some magic that even the park rangers hadn’t seen before. Hundreds of seeds which had been waiting for the right conditions burst into flower.

What a wonderful sight.

When the conditions are right things happen as if by magic. We can look to control or force them but actually they happen best when the conditions are created for them to happen!

What are you waiting to happened? What conditions are required for it to happen? How can you help to create those conditions?

Worth thinking about. I did and that is how the Confidence Garden started, a small plot but ever growing, with people joining us on http://theconfidencegarden.com/ or  It is growing and very soon I will be able to share with you the ‘behind the scenes’ work that has been going on over the Winter. I am so excited to be sharing them with you, I am almost fit to burst…but I have to wait for the shoots to come a little more into bloom. So what this space!

I look forward to sharing the fruits of my labour soon until then remember…
Believe in yourself….your life depends on it!

Hundreds of thousands searches are happening everyday for confidence and I am not just talking about Google.

When you feel that your self confidence is low it is easy to get caught up in a downward spiral which can then be a challenge to get out of. So I have created a short video – less than 5 minutes with 3 simple steps to help you gain confidence in yourself no matter what is going on around you.

So sit back click here How to gain confidence in yourself and have your notebook ready to jot down three simple ways to take your self confidence to the next level!

Wishing you a confidence 2012

It’s not very often that I will read the newspapers and especially not the Daily Mail but I was sent the link to this article and agree with much of what is being said.

It took me years to realise that by comparing myself to someone else, anyone else I was doing myself a disservice and damaging my self confidence. This easy an easy habit to change as it tends to be embedded from an early age and can be perpetuated by parents – ‘my child has done ‘x”, in school ‘Tim can manage 10 out of 10 so can you.’ by friends, family, members, it is constantly in our media too. So it’s not an easy one to walk away from.

BUT…to help you make that change step away from comparing you first have to see it. Hear just how often you do compare yourself to someone else, it will be more than you first expected.

Just realise that you are doing it and remind yourself – gently, that this is one of the processes that it damaging your self confidence and self esteem.

and then gain confidence fuel!

Have you ever had one of those days when life looks rosy? You feel that you can achieve all that you want to and all you can hear is yourself saying ‘yes I can do that or at least I will give it a go!’ And yet the very next day (or even the next moment) you feel the opposite! Life’s hard, you doubt yourself and your abilities and self confidence has left the building!

I know this feeling only too well myself and spent much of my life experiencing this frustrating fluctuation in self belief and confidence.

Here are my top three tips for you to begin to understand how you can boost your confidence in any moment. Before I share them with you, I need to give a brief understanding that no-one gives or takes confidence away from you. I appreciate that it can feel like that, but it is not what the person has said that ‘makes you feel confident’ it is how you are reacting inside to those words. The reason I say this is that I want you to realise that you are the one with your finger on the ‘boost control’ not someone else. If you are waiting for someone else to ‘give you confidence’ then there will also be a part of you that is waiting for someone to ‘take it away’! It is your reaction to the words or actions that someone says/does that creates the feeling of confidence and so when feeling not so confidence you can use these tips, put your finger on the boost button and look for ways to feel confident no matter what someone else has said or done (or not as the case may be).

Forward Focus

If you have ever thrown a ball then you will have learnt or been taught that for the ball to reach its destination you have to point your arm in the direction you want the ball to go. Your mind and your feelings are the same.

If you want to feel more confident then you have to focus your mind in that direction and look for it in yourself. If you are feeling that you lack confidence, what are you focused on? I imagine it will be on what you haven’t done well, what you haven’t got, not achieved, didn’t get to do etc. Notice what happens if you choose to change your focus.

Take 15 minutes or so and make a list of all that you have achieved in life. Starting from when you were born, write at least 5 things for each decade that you have been alive. E.g. I learnt to walk, I can talk, feed myself, I can swim, I can ride a bike, I passed test, I got a part time job… the list goes on

The more you focus on what you have achieved, what you can do and what you have the more your mind will look for on a daily basis so that when you have those moments of not feeling so great, your list is there as a reminder to re focus and move forward!

Upwards and Onwards

I am sure you will have noticed those times when you don’t feel great about yourself that it is easy to pull the duvet over or switch on the TV and basically not do very much. Ask yourself now, just how is that working for you? I suspect it feeds that feeling of not feeling great.

If you want to feel great get up and move! Dance, walk, swim, run, even doing the house work with your favourite music on can help shake your mood. The more you move your body the more you can help boost yourself. It isn’t about getting up and going for a ten mile jog. Just get up and walk around the block with a bit of pace helps shift your mood and boost how you feel.

Being kind

Many of us that want to boost our confidence spend a great deal of time putting ourselves down. I ask again, how does this help to you feel great about yourself?

Any adult that has watched a child learn to walk knows that they have to fall over at times to learn about balance, to gain stability and gain the courage to take the next steps. If you are the adult watching them do this you will I suspect be encouraging them, supporting them and helping them back up each time they fall. What would you life look like and how would your confidence feel if you tool the same attitude to yourself? Each time you ‘fell’ you encouraged yourself to get up and have another go?

‘Be kind to yourself’. It’s an easy thing to say not so easy to do I know and like the other tips take patience and practice and yet when you do, then you really do get to boost your own confidence, which is what you want to do after all, is it not?

Remember, believe in yourself your life depends on it!

“None can stop you from growing and learning if you seriously intend to. And none could help you progress if you don’t want to.” If you want to make changes in your life to be able to feel differently then you are the one that has to commit to that. As great at the information and teacher may be, if you are not committed to yourself and your progress, then it will not happen.  You are the one that has to be open to learning what you need to.  You are the one that has to be open to hearing what will help you.  It’s up to you to till the soil, plants the seeds, nuture them and of course where needs to spot the weeds and when you are ready pull them out!                                                                                                      

Head over to her website http://www.annsheybani.com/ and sigh up to receive her interviews once a month. The first one started this week and features yours truly!

Confidence Coach Jules Wyman wasn’t always confident.  In fact, the woman recently dubbed as Britain’s Next Top Coach once hid her insecurities behind booze, drugs, and junk food.  “I reached out for all of them to do the same thing, which was to cover up the pain.”

At the lowest point in her life, addicted to alcohol, entrenched in an abusive relationship, unclear as to which direction she wanted her life to go she realized that something had to give.  “I didn’t really have one thunderbolt moment.  I refer to it as having lots of little storms. Sometimes I didn’t realize I’d had the storm until I’d gone through them and come out the other side.”

Learn how she turned her life around.  Through her fabulous use of story, Jules explains:

Why curiosity is the antidote to blame and self-pity

• How to chunk things down and take one step at a time
• Why there are no mistakes
• How to discover hidden passions
• The secret to conquering fear
• The unfortunate flip side to achieving
• What a bad Meg Ryan film can teach you

We also talked about The Celestine Prophecy and the film Educating Rita and what they taught her about herself. ” To me it was like little life lines that were being thrown to me that kept me going in a certain direction, which was away from where I could have gone.”

Jules Wyman is the founder of Positive Belief, an inspirational speaker and coach, and director of The Confidence Garden.  She says, “If the grass looks greener over there, maybe it’s because they take better care.”  She is also a wife, stepmother, and Zumba fanatic.

Enjoy x

]]> http://theconfidencegarden.com/grow-self-confidence/120/feed/ 7 http://theconfidencegarden.com/grow-self-confidence/confident-christmas/ http://theconfidencegarden.com/grow-self-confidence/confident-christmas/#comments Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:13:13 +0000 Jules http://theconfidencegarden.com/?p=111 Continue reading →]]> “The light of starry dreams can only be seen once we escape the blinding cities of disbelief. “

Shawn Purvis

At the end of talk recently a lovely gentleman can up to me, ‘I agree, it’s so important to get people to have confidence in themselves, it’s the fuel to drive you forward in life.’ He continued ‘I don’t have problems with my self confidence. That’s sorted, but I do have big problem with self doubt.’ He looked at me and to be honest I didn’t quite know what to say. Self belief and self confidence are, I believe, intrinsically linked and impact each other. ‘So what would happen if you chose to believe in yourself and all the decisions you make from this day forward?’ I asked. ‘How would life be for you?’

‘Well I certainly would stop worrying.’

‘and what else would you gain?’

He went on to list all ways that things that he would see the world in different light and feel much happier. ‘so why not choose to trust yourself and believe in those choices and whenever you hear self doubt you let it go?’ I appreciate it is much easier said than done but if you are going to feel happier then why not give it a go?

 3 Tips for a Confidence Christmas.

The search for the ‘perfect Christmas’ is one that many head out on come Oct/Nov. They begin looking for ideas and recipes, to create that idyllic Christmas where everyone is smiling, you get the gifts you want. I am not sure that we can guarantee that for you here at the Confidence Garden, but what we would like to offer you though are three simple ingredients that when added into the festive mix can give you a different view on Christmas (and indeed any time of year)

Tip no. 1  

In the 100+ years since it was written ‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens has be read, watched and listened to in a variety of ways by thousands. The message is still pertinent today and links nicely in with my favourite Dickens quote and my first tip.

“Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some.”

So often our focus in life can be on what we haven’t got, so much so that we miss, forget or even take for granted the things that we do have. The frenzied buying for Christmas can also give us a focus of what we don’t have and feed the need for more, yet can you remember what you received for Christmas last year?

My first tip for a confident Christmas is not just about counting your blessings it is also about having an attitude of gratitude. For many of my friends, family, colleagues, clients and myself this has been one of the most challenging years for some it has been financially, others relationships, health, career, and so much more. Yet when all of us have taken the time each day, as Dickens suggests to ‘reflect on your present blessings’ and really look for them you can find them.

What blessings do you have? You might have to dig through the snow to find them, it will be worth your dig!

Tip no. 2 

Spending time with family and friends can highlight aspects of a person that we may not really like and want to change and if only they would change it would make our lives so much better! We can spend the run up to Christmas thinking about how they are and hoping that they have changed this year, that their behaviour will be different because it will make things for us so much easier. We spend the rest of the time of the holidays willing them to be different so that we can relax/have fun/be ourselves and yet they seem to be doing just that!

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

  Another one that is not easy to do and yet is a vital ingredient in the mix to have the kind of festive time you are looking for, ‘accept the things I cannot change’ this does not mean agreeing to ‘poor behaviour’ nor condoning it, however accepting that this is who the person is and how they are will enable you to focus on your and your blessings, which you have already discovered have you not.

Tip no. 3 

And finally remember, the moment the pencil was created erasers were created too. Things do not always go to plan, drinks are split, food is burnt and the present may not have been given (or indeed received) in the way you had intended. Nothing in the world is perfect, no tree, plant or creature, so why do we put that pressure on ourselves. There is nothing wrong in planning how you would like things to go and then taking from tip no. 2 just accept how they are if you can’t do anything about them or change it if you can.

It’s funny whilst looking for a quote to illustrate this point I discovered an article called ‘Gardens weren’t meant to be perfect’ I think it says it all.